


What am I to you?

by cheolscarrot



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, Hurt, I wrote this impulsively, I'm Bad At Summaries, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, i love jeongcheol, im sorry, no actual smut, what is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 20:42:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14221419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheolscarrot/pseuds/cheolscarrot
Summary: ‘Why am I doing this? Why am I hurting myself like this?’ Jeonghan thought, but he definitely couldn’t say.





	What am I to you?

The bright sunrays passing through the window brought consciousness to Jeonghan from his sleep. With his eyes closed, he feels the very comfortable bed he’s currently in and the cold breeze that the air condition gives off. As much as he wanted to stay (with nothing on) under the warm blanket, a small noise from the room made him open his eyes.

And there was Seungcheol, dressing up for work, putting his necktie on.

That brought Jeonghan back to reality.                                 

Jeonghan felt like all the comfort from where he is now got washed away, right after he realized that again, another meaningless night with Seungcheol happened.

“Seungcheol…” Gently, Jeonghan sat up and leaned his back to the headboard, covering himself still with the duvet.

“You should prepare now if you don’t want to be late.” Seungcheol suggested. Coldly.

_‘This is it right? No feelings involved?’_ Jeonghan wanted to ask but he definitely knows the answer already. He quietly stood up and headed to the bathroom. This is usual for him, for them. They give each other’s need, they fuck and that’s it. Too bad, Jeonghan caught something when Seungcheol did not.

“I’m heading out first, see you later.” Seungcheol stated without both of them looking at each other. Jeonghan felt a pang in his chest. He knows what their status is and he blames himself for catching feelings that he should not. With that, he showered, not only with water flowing, but also his tears.

 

 

\--

 

“Good Morning, Jeonghan!” Seokmin brightly greeted as Jeonghan entered the café where they are both working at.  “Look at these cute puppies in this video! The brown one looks like my dog but of course Coco is much cuter, right? And look there’s also another one puppy here who is quiet yet he’s so fluffy!”

Jeonghan could not process what the other was saying. He felt like removing his head because of the headache he is currently having. “Seokmin, I’m sorry but my head aches so bad right now, will you please give me a coffee?”

Seokmin looked at his best friend as he went behind the counter to make the latter a hot coffee. Seokmin knows everything about Jeonghan and he could definitely guess what has happened again. “That kind of night happened again?”

Jeonghan sat down on one of the stools since there will be an hour more before the café opens. Jeonghan massages his head and closes his eyes for a while. The strong aroma of coffee passed through his smelling sense as Seokmin sat beside him with the coffee. “Jeonghan, you know more than anyone else that you should stop whatever connection you have with that guy, it’s not giving you anything good!” Seokmin reprimands.

“You know I can’t… I mean, maybe I could but once I’m with him, I’m already lost. I couldn’t argue, I couldn’t stop myself.” Jeonghan replied as he took a sip of the coffee. He knew a lot of things that could be a possible reason for him to stop his meaningless relationship with Seungcheol. Clearly, they aren’t together and he secretly wishes that someday, Seungcheol would catch feelings too.

 

\--

Jeonghan and Seungcheol are long time friends. They met each other in College and fortunately for Seungcheol, a position from his father’s company is already waiting for him, while Jeonghan was forced to stop midway when his parents died in an accident. Without anyone who could help him, he decided to just work and help himself. Seungcheol was a good friend, they would have lunch together, drink together and hangout together even when Jeonghan already stopped studying. Seungcheol would get into relationship after relationship and Jeonghan would know about it. That’s until Seungcheol had a long-time girlfriend. He started to ditch lunch with Jeonghan, he barely had time to hangout. Jeonghan could understand, he could see how happy Seungcheol was in his Social media posts. Jeonghan thought the two of them grew apart from each other, he focused on his work at the café and Seungcheol spent all his free time with his girlfriend.

Until one day. A news broke about Seungcheol’s girlfriend, who are actually about to be married to a Chaebol’s son. Seungcheol got broken and Jeonghan who is living his life by helping himself got shaken. He was there to be a shoulder to Seungcheol even though he thought they weren’t friends anymore. All the things they do before, they are doing it again, except Seungcheol’s heart became cold and hard like an ice.

“I literally gave everything to her, and now what? She’s gonna be married to some Wealthy man’s son. It’s so fucking unfair Jeonghan!” Seungcheol exclaimed. Jeonghan could not do anything but listen. That night Seungcheol got drunk. Jeonghan accompanied him home and unexpected things happen. Despite being drunk, Seungcheol was aware about what happened between the two of them and it happened continuously.

 

\--

 

“Jeonghan, he’s clearly just using you!” Jeonghan snapped out of his thoughts after hearing Seokmin’s statement.

“I don’t know… I.. just can’t stop. I love him.”

“But he doesn’t love you. Stop hurting yourself, Jeonghan.” Seokmin stood up, leaving Jeonghan in his vulnerable state. “Just go home if you think you can’t work today, don’t force yourself.”

 

\---

 

After days being bothered and stressed, Jeonghan went to where Seungcheol works. After Seokmin had talked to him countless times, he decided to finally talk it out to Seungcheol. Jeonghan was never good about telling people about how he feels so this urge to talk to Seungcheol was definitely a huge step for him.

He stood in front of the building where Seungcheol works. It’s only 4pm and he thought he could use the remaining time for him to think about what he will be saying. He is more than convinced that he would tell Seungcheol about how he feels, and he would break his connection with him.

As time went by, employees started to walk out of the building, ready to head home. After almost 30 minutes, he finally saw Seungcheol. The latter had a big smile on his face, which Jeonghan rarely sees nowadays. Jeonghan was about to approach him when a girl stepped out of the building right after Seungcheol. Seungcheol’s ex-girlfriend.

Jeonghan just wanted to disappear. Obviously, Seungcheol already have his happiness back. It has been a long time since he had smile like that. _‘Why would I even try to compete with her, haha.’_ Jeonghan thought. He stepped back and turned around to leave when Seungcheol noticed him.

“Jeonghan? Is that you?” Jeonghan froze, contemplating whether he should continue to walk or turn around to talk to the latter.

Maybe he did a wrong move. He faced Seungcheol again and there he had to witness the two holding hands. “A-ah Yes, It’s me. I had to deliver coffee for someone here.” Jeonghan tried to make an excuse.

“I see. Do you have a ride home? I could give you a lift.” Seungcheol offered with a smile. _‘Wow.’_ Jeonghan said mentally. He never thought he would see him smiling like this again. There’s a continuous pang in his heart while he is in between this conversation. So many things were on his mind, the two holding hands, Seungcheol being happy, are they back together? Will they get married anytime soon? Jeonghan was so lost that he just want to disappear.

“No, thanks anyway. I have to uh, go somewhere.” Jeonghan explained. Seungcheol nodded and bid goodbye, pulling his ex-girlfriend towards wherever they are going.

After walking away from the scene, Jeonghan couldn’t help but breakdown. Tears started to flow out of nowhere. _‘Why am I doing this? Why am I hurting myself like this?’_ He thought, but he definitely couldn’t say.

 

\--

 

It was like a miracle that he was able to go home. Jeonghan honestly don’t know what happened but he thanked the heavens that he was home safe.  He was staring blankly at the ceiling without any thoughts in his head. He’s tired but he couldn’t sleep. Until a doorbell rang inside his apartment. He stood up to check who was it.

And it’s Seungcheol.

Jeonghan felt another pain in his chest yet he is definitely worried. Seeing Seungcheol through the intercom, the latter looked drunk and wasted. Jeonghan immediately opened the door.

Seungcheol stepped inside and pinned Jeonghan against the wall at once. Jeonghan found his lips against Seungcheol. He tried to push him away but it Seungcheol’s kissed had always made him weak, almost falling to his knees.

The two once again did what they usually do that night. Jeonghan had hurt himself again.

 

When morning came, It was a surprise that Seungcheol is still on the bed. Jeonghan woke up first. He faced Seungcheol and stared at the latter’s face. Jeonghan gently brushed away the strands of hair that was messy in Seungcheol’s face. If Jeonghan was feeling happy that he could stare at Seungcheol’s face like this, what more if the man loved him back.

Jeonghan quickly took his hand back when Seungcheol slowly opened his eyes. “G-good morning..” Jeonghan said softly.

Seungcheol sat up. “Why am I here?” He said.

“You came here drunk last night. What else could be the reason?” Jeonghan tried to laugh off the tense in his body trying not to cry. His chest feels so heavy that he just wants to cry.

“Fuck. I was with her last night-“ Seungcheol was stopped when he heard sobs from Jeonghan.

Jeonghan tried so hard but he couldn’t stop himself now.

“Seungcheol.. W-what am I to you?” Jeonghan said between sobs.

Seungcheol was quiet and confused.

“L-let’s stop this Seungcheol. Whatever this is.” Seungcheol doesn’t know what to say.

“Wait, Jeonghan. What do you mean?” Seungcheol said.

“I’m so fucking tired Seungcheol. I’m so tired of pretending to be okay when I’m not. I’m so tired of acting nonchalant whenever we have nights together. I’m so tired of making you have me as if you were pretending that I am your ex-girlfriend.” Jeonghan cried out.

“What am I really to you?”

Seungcheol was shaken by Jeonghan’s words. He knew he was so into his ex-girlfriend that he did not notice he was hurting someone else.

“Jeonghan, you.. are a good friend. I’m so sorry. Fuck. I didn’t know you would feel like this.”

“Tell me Seungcheol… Don’t.. you have any feelings for me?” Jeonghan questioned the latter. “Am I nothing to you?” He added.

 

 

Seungcheol bit his lips.

 

 

“I’m sorry, Jeonghan.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I wrote this impulsively and i dont know what the fuck did i just wrote-  
> okay im sorry for the sad ending  
> but I might or might not post another fic with Seungcheol's side of the story ;; I'll do my best!  
> thank you for reading until here!!!
> 
> ps i didnt proof read (as ive said this is all impulsive)


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